You're Asking the Wrong Questions

I think I ask all the wrong questions.

I strive for meaning in life out of what I do - who I am as a friend or colleague or student - what I'm achieving - what others are recognizing in and through my intelligence or work - what I get public recognition and fame for - if there is a pedestal - influence - changed lives - impact - how good of a listener am I - am I a good supervisor - what do they REALLY think of me - is this making a difference - is it time to move on - am I using my skills in the best way I can - is this really all there is - and the list goes on and on and on

But I think the only thing I should be focusing on - or the only thing that REALLY matters that will make all the other things fall into place is intimacy with God. How much do I love God? What can I do to get to know him and seek him in new ways today? How can I renew and deepen my love for him?

Am I living my life the way I do because I love God? Or because God loves me and these are the rules and standards I think I should meet. The way the church taught me a good Christian exists. Always achieving - always reaching for more - always doing good and striving.

Is my life a natural flow of the love and connection and intimacy I have with my creator
or a relentless rat race?

and is the cheese at the end of the race really going to fulfill me?

Sweeping Statements

There are a few things that have been driving me crazy lately – and one of those things is some of the sweeping statements I see coming from bloggers.

Christians don’t care about reconciliation

Christians don’t want to hear the truth

Christians don’t really want to welcome everyone to the table

White people don’t care about black people or understand racism

Christians don’t actually CARE

Sweeping statements drive me CRAZY. I understand people are trying to make a point about some sort of inconsistency or hypocrisy we’ve seen in the church or somewhere – but I think all we’re really achieving is making people want to listen to us less – feel defensive and closed off.

It aggravates me when I go to a justice conference and someone stands up front and says “Christians just don't care that women are raped and beaten – Christians don’t know this is happening over here – Christians think this is a problem that is only overseas” or statements to that nature. Because that’s not true. I know and I care. And plenty of wonderful people in my life do as well and have dedicated their life to being an abolitionist. And, frankly, if someone is AT that conference – they probably care!

I think this is one of my biggest frustrations with many of the emergent Christian voices today. Their twitter accounts drive me batty. They want to believe they are the bullhorns in the marketplace or the martyrs in the city square. If they call God a “she” they’re edgy. If they say they have “doubts” their the ONLY one and should be given a medal and everyone comfort them because “CHRISTIANS DON’T UNDERSTAND AND JUDGE ME”

We’re all on this journey together. We all struggle in different areas. We’re all broken. But we aren’t ALL the same. Not ALL white people are indifferent to the racism that plagues our nation. Not ALL Christians [insert whatever cause you care about that you don’t think anyone else cares about].

How about we engage in a little more conversation and a little less critical observation. Extend a little more grace and a little less judgment.

Was this whole blog a sweeping statement? I hope not :)

Boundaries

Where is the line between knowing that your time is not your own – and setting boundaries? Being part of a community and putting others before yourself – but also being sure to pay attention to self-care?

This becomes even more frustrating in ministry and work situations – when your decisions affect more than just yourself. When deciding to hold a strong line for your own personal boundaries puts more pressure and responsibilities on co-workers because of your pulling back.

When is it appropriate to draw those lines? When is it selfish to draw those lines? When are boundaries just an excuse to not put forward extra effort and really be part of the team? When are boundaries healthy and when do we need to take up the call to serve and put others before ourselves?

Healing

I am wrapping up a 15-week inner healing program, which has started to bring into focus to some of these things God has been doing in my life. Bringing healing and clarity and freedom from some of the shame in my life. Healing broken relationships. Creating healthy boundaries. Extending forgiveness to others and myself. And finding my own voice again – as well as the courage to use it.

I’m single. (I am sure a lot of you knew that. But there are enough of you I have talked to recently that seemed totally shocked when you found that out that I thought I would clear the air. A surprising number of people in my life have told me recently that they “totally thought you were married!” So…just to clear the air, I’m not.)

And I haven’t even dated anyone in about two years, when the dream I was dating abruptly ended things with me in an email. I think he ripped part of my heart out in the process. I am not one that easily trusts or embraces vulnerability – but he made it easy. And I really did think he was perfect for me. I also think I wrongly associated some of the work God was doing in my life with his presence at that precise moment in my journey. He brought a lot of insight to the darkness I was experiencing, gave me new language and new literature and helped me reach the surface again so I didn't feel like I was drowning anymore. So when he walked away, I was left standing perplexed and have since resisted wanting/seeking/trusting love in any sort of way for quite a while.  And I wandered around confused. Trying to find myself again and who I thought I was and what I feel I am worthy of.

It has been a longer road than I would have liked. But God has brought me to some beautiful places. It took wandering through the wilderness to break me of some of the broken identity I had been living with. And to figure out that it was God all along that had been walking with me and processing my brokenness, I just put all my hope and feelings in this more tangible man. It is frustrating that God uses the wilderness in that way – but he always has. The Israelites had to wander through the wilderness for many years, to break their identity as slaves. The first thing God commanded them to do was practice Sabbath. Because slaves never get a Sabbath – their worth is in their work, what they produce, their ability to bring about an end product. And I was putting my worth in all of the wrong things. Placing my identity in what others thought. I LIKED God, a lot actually, but it was a painful process to go through to realized that I didn't actually LOVE God (more on that later!)

That’s partially what renewing this blog has been about. Trusting my healing - trusting my voice. Having the courage to share my thoughts and opinions and being vulnerable enough to even share the stupid stuff. To share my experiences again. To wander with God again. And realize that maybe a bit of it just might be relatable. 

Who is My Neighbor?

We talked a lot about loving your neighbor this last weekend at the Inhabit conference I attended. Which is cool, because it is scriptural and Jesus did it and it is a great idea.

But I have been doing a lot of thinking about how to convince your neighbor that they WANT to be loved.

About two years ago my roommate Brittany and I decided to make cookies for all our neighbors so we could get to know them a bit more and start to build relationships with them. We spent hours cooking and wrapping and packaging and going door to door delivering them.

But here’s the thing – a good majority of our neighbors didn’t want them.

Or were afraid of them.

Or really didn’t like that we had knocked on their door and interrupted their afternoon.

Or felt it was an intrusion.

Or thought we were just plain weird.

How do you follow Christ’s example to love others when the other doesn’t want to be loved?

Persistence?
What if they would prefer that you don’t persist?

Is sometimes the best way to love your neighbor to look out for them but NOT come on their front porch and invade their privacy?

Or is that the only way to actually BECOME a neighbor? Do you have to sometimes awkwardly force yourself into relationship? Has our society created systems that make us believe we are an intrusion when actually we are not and we have to break that cycle?

How would you respond if someone walked up to your door? Do you take that as a grateful opportunity to get to know your neighbor more (even the Jehovah’s Witnesses) or are you annoyed that you had to pause your Netflix and get up off the couch?