Why I Tell Myself I Don't Want Kids - My Messy Beautiful

If I tell myself enough times, maybe I’ll start to believe it. That’s been a life theme of mine. And this has come out in many different story threads throughout my life, but most recently, it’s come through conversations of babies. If I tell myself enough times that I don’t want to have kids, then maybe I’ll start to believe it.

I have endometriosis. It’s not a big deal, really. At least not yet. Endometriosis is a female health disorder that occurs when cells from the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other areas of the body. This can lead to pain, irregular bleeding, and infertility.

I can manage it well enough. That pain is, at times, unbearable. But through many many MANY visits to the doctor I have found ways to get it under control and live a relatively normal life (most of the time!). And when I can’t – it’s a great excuse to stay home and watch Netflix!

The part I struggle with are those last two words. …and infertility.

I am 30 and single and not sexually active. So there is really no way at this point for me to know if that part of endometriosis will affect me. I might be able to have 12 perfectly healthy, energetic, bounce-off-the-walls kids. But I also might not be able to have any.

And so I have decided I don’t want kids.

None.

I tell people I have no desire to ever have kids. I don’t even want to try. I’m just not cut out for it. I need too much sleep! I love that my time is my own. I have so much I feel called to accomplish in the world, and I don’t know how I could do it while adequately taking care of a child in the way they deserve. I love a clean house. I’m too selfish. I hate the Disney channel!

Mostly I’ve come to believe that’s true (well, some of it IS true, I really don’t like the Disney channel!). I think I’ve convinced myself. And on my good days I feel just fine with that decision. But when I’m cuddling with my niece, Rosaleah, or on my lonely, self-reflective days, I wonder if that’s just the excuse I give to self-protect against the “what if”.

What if I am infertile? It is just easier to say I don’t want to have kids than to go through the heartbreak of getting my hopes up, trying, and then being disappointed.

But we can’t protect ourselves from heartache. We can’t protect ourselves from all the what if’s in life. Brené Brown talks about the power of vulnerability – and our societies inclination to numb. But the problem is you can’t numb sadness (or fear, or doubt) without numbing joy! You can’t avoid the hard parts of life without also avoiding the most joyful parts. Joy inevitably brings pain – but pain also brings joy. The light is so much brighter in the midst of darkness.

So, maybe I am infertile – but maybe I’m not. Maybe I will want to have kids, maybe I won’t. The point is, I don’t have to decide right now. I don’t have to make a decision based out of fear to protect myself from a possible heartache in the future.

And neither do you. Whatever you’re trying to convince yourself of, don’t forget to live today. And choose whatever makes you happy, even if that happiness might break your heart tomorrow.

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To read more, CLICK HERE! 

Lunch

For lunch today I went to...............................Taco Bell! What? Yes, yes I did. My roommate talked me into it. To be fair, he wasn't feeling well, and was wearing sweatpants and slippers at the time. HOW do you say no to someone in that state?

Back when I lived in the good 'ol Midwest there was a Taco Bell pretty near our house. We would eat there every so often (don't worry marmie, I won't tell how often). I would always get the meximelt. No one has ever heard of this which just baffles me because 1. it's the freakin' meximelt, it is delicious, everyone in the world should know what it is, and 2. it has remained on their menu for the past 20 something years so SOMEONE other than me is eating it or they would stop selling it, right?

Anyway, I have not been to a Taco Bell for about 8-10 years...somewhere in that range (little bit sad I broke that streak now, but I'll try not to think too much about it). While riding the car through the drive through (that was for BOTH Taco Bell and KFC....who doesn't want some fried chicken with their soft shelled taco....). I saw that "MEXIMELT" item listed on the menu and my luxurious childhood came flooding back to me. I knew I had to try it, but I was nervous it would not taste the same, or give me intestinal issues or have adapted into something totally different containing cheese wiz or sardines.

I am glad to report - the meximelt is STILL DELICIOUS! I am serious. You should go and pick one up. And then maybe some tums.

Life is fragile

I don't think I could articulate it better than Robin.

I miss you Paris.
Your laugh, your wisdom, your guy advice, your positive outlook on everything. May we all remember to live our lives with a little more of your spirit.
Love,
Nicole

When the money hits the hand

The checks are starting to roll in now. Have you gotten yours? I got mine. And as I held it in my hand I started to forget about all of these global and local issues going on. The recent cyclone in Burma or the earthquake in China seems so far away – and what could my measly $300 really do anyway? There are so many THINGS I want, things I think I need. And the debt I am in is a constant weight I feel on my shoulders - but then I look at my check again and think to myself "$300, really? How will that take care of much debt, I should really just buy something with that. I can always pay off the debt later.”

But then I call myself back to my call and my call in the Kingdom. Are there some people that really actually NEED this stimulus check? Yes. And they should keep it. But there are others of us that can afford to give it all away, to think of the other and make a significant difference, and we should give it away.

Remember the example from earlier – even if everyone only gave 2/3 of their check to something like sustainable water projects [there are MANY things you can give to], no one on the planet would ever be thirsty or die of water-born diseases... which kill about 6,000 people a day.

Maybe there are some who think we should be using the money as GW asked us to, so we actually stimulate the economy, great! Then how about buying some groceries for a neighbor that can’t afford them? What about that church community member that can’t afford a washer and dryer or can’t pay rent this month? How about that classmate that can’t afford a computer? What about that single mother who needs help buying cloths for her children? There are so many ways you can use the money not for yourself but for the good of another.

We need to have a bigger focus, a Kingdom (counter-cultural) focus. Do we really understand the meaning of sacrifice?

Check out some global ideas at http://howwillyouspendyourcheck.com or at the facebook group.

How Will You Spend Your Check?

Hi Friends,

I got an email from a good friend of mine and wanted to share it with you. He came up with a plan to change the world. [no, seriously, he really did] This idea could really make a difference in the lives of people who need it most. Read his email below and at least check out the link and see what you think. Feel free to engage in the conversation or shoot me an email at WanderingellimaC@gmail.com. And please...pass it on.

-----------------------------

So, most of you know that you'll be getting a pretty large check from the government this spring for the purpose of "economic stimulus".

History and human nature shows that most of us will just spend this check on more "stuff" - which, of course, is why the government is sending us all a check in the first place.

But here's another idea. What if we all used our checks - or at least part of our checks - to
"stimulate" the lives of people who need "economic stimulus" a lot more than we do? What if we all decided to invest in something bigger than ourselves?

Here's an example. The United Nations estimates that we could provide the entire planet with safe, clean, accessible drinking water for about $100 billion. The proposed economic stimulus package is more than $168 billion. So - in theory - if everyone invested 2/3 of their check in sustainable water projects, no one on the planet would ever be thirsty or die of water-born diseases... which kill about 6,000 people a day.

So a few friends and I have been working on a web site and blog that explores this idea of investing your economic stimulus check - or at least part of your check - in something that REALLY makes a difference. We're raising questions like, "How will you spend your check?" and "What are you passionate about?"

Take a moment to check out the site, join the conversation, leave comments on the blog for others to read and think about, and start to explore how you will spend your check...

Thanks everyone. Pass it on...
Peace.
Dave Scott

Home Sweet Home

Well, I am back in Nepal right now. And it feels ramro cha to be back! Stepping off the plane was like coming home. For those of you two don't know my father has never been to Nepal before and made the "mistake" of saying to me, "I feel like there is a part of you I do not understand since I have never seen Nepal before, so if you plan a trip I will get us there." BAM! Itinerary in his inbox the next day :) Needless to say we have been having a great time.
Nepal is cold, of course, but the people make it warm and it has been a delight to introduce my father to the many friends I have here.
On the day we landed Kumar met us at the airport to give us a ride into Thamel and get us all situated. He has always had a huge hand in anything that has taken place on my previous trips here so it was good for my father to meet him - and so good to be able to see him again and catch up. As we drove the crowded streets of Nepal one of my father's first comments was "they sure like to honk their horns here!" - haah! It was only the beginning I told him. We grabbed dinner at the Rumdoodle and called it a night.
On the 14th we headed to the Leper Colony that I visit each time I am here so I could introduce my father to Igeio - one of my favorite people on the face of the planet. I have to admit each time I travel there I get a bit nervous that he might not be there - his health continues to deteriate each time I see him. But he was there and was looking good. I was able to spend a good amount of time with him and my father was able to see the colony, meet Igeio and see the church. We spent the rest of the day walking around hanging out with many of the street kids and rickshaw drivers I am lucky to call friend. My father was able to meet Rita, Sangita, Maya, Raju, Mr Om, Casey, Saroj, and many more!!
On the 15th we arose EARLY in the morning and took a sightseeing flight with Yeti Airlines over Everest. It was BEAUTIFUL. Pictures did not capture and words will not be able to describe. And I got to see Everest from the cockpit of the plane. It was an exciting expereience. We then grabbed some breakfast at the Mandap Guest House which is where the Peak Performance teams eat breakfast each morning when they are in Nepal. We got to eat sitting next to a wood burning fire and of course enjoyed the hilarious company of our favorite Nepali waiter! When we got back we were able to hook up with Harka - a friend from back home in California. He is working on his doctoral studies in El Monte which is real near Pasadena. He is back in Kathmandu for about a month to check up on his family a ministry. It was fun to see him in Nepal and actually visit the ministry I get to hear so often about. I was able to meet the many kids that are a part of his orphanage and then visit the church that he pastors. We also took a walk over the the plot of land that they have purchased with the hopes of building a church and then one day a school on. His wife cooked my father and I a delicious meal of dal baht!! It was a wonderful afternoon. We shopped a bit in the afternoon and ended our day with dinner at the Roadhouse.
And now today my father and I will take a car to Nagarkot for a little R&R. I hope we get a good view of the beautiful mountains. It has been great weather so far so I am hopeful. We have many more exciting meetings when we return to Kathmandu and then as we move into Bangkok and Popiet. I'll be sure to fill you in on it all - including some thoughts and reflections on why I love Nepal, the needs in Nepal and the tensions I feel in my heart.

Our Life Stories

Sometimes I get overwhelmed observing the world.
Simply looking out the window of my favorite local Pasadena coffee shop and watching the various people walk by.
Thinking about their stories.
Why are they here in California, why Pasadena, why on Colorado Blvd.?
Do they live here or are they just visiting?
Are they having a good day or walking around seeking some form of hope and encouragement?
It is so amazing how God interweaves all of humanities life stories together.
HOW BIG IS GOD?
To be able to be to intricately involved in my life and directing me where I should go - yet he does the very same thing for that man standing on the corner of the street with his hands in his pocket, looking confused, sitting through the changing light now for the second time...
When I think about the people he has brought into my life and the part they play in speaking wisdom into my life and developing me into the person I am continuing to become. Their personal life story in how they came here is so interesting - seeing how God has made them into the person they are for the stage of life they are in at this very moment.
I think that is why it is so hard for me to believe a concept like open theism. Believing that the future is open and God does not really know what is going to happen is not something I can jump on board with. Sure - he is all wise and can make that "educated guess" (and we all know he will be right) but because of our free will he does not know. There is just something about that that does not settle right with me.
The way our bodies work, the stories our lives create, and the ways our paths intertwine convince me I serve a God who is intimately involved in my life and he knows what the next chapter holds - he even knows how the book ends.

Everyone Wants Someone to Follow

Everyone wants someone to follow if there is someone strong enough or willing enough to lead him or her.

I look at the world and see so much conformity. No one wants to stick out – unless they are sticking out in the “right” or “popular” way. And everyone wants to be accepted by others.

When someone steps up with an idea or movement they feel passionate about calling out others to follow them they will gather many people to themselves in just a short period of time. This is because people are thirsty for direction and meaning in their life.

Sometimes I just sit there waiting for someone else to take the lead and tell me what to do. I feel so unqualified for the passions God has put in my heart that I just stand motionless in the midst of the chaos around me.
What will it take to put me in motion? What will it take to make me that leader others yearn to follow?

Wealth

How much do I let money control me?
Brandon gave a great sermon today on the parable of the rich fool from Luke. He talked about money being the root of all kinds of evil - not of all evil. That's an important distinction.
You don't even have to have money for this to be the case. The love of money (whether you have it or not) leads to all kinds of greed and dissatisfaction.
The important thing is to realize is that God has our best interest in mind - do I really believe that? 1 Timothy 6 tells us that God gives us everything for our enjoyment. Everything we have: our money, our time and our talents - they all belong to God. Everything God gives us he desires we use in order that life may be lived to its fullest and life may be abundant.
It is when we can grasp this and when we can really let go that we begin to live and experience.
I don't think I am there yet. I still hold on too tightly to wealth because I believe that a bank account equals security. As long as there is some money in there I am OK.
God - take my life but my bank account belongs to me.
I want to do so much for the world - for the suffering and the oppressed - but I think I need to let God do a whole lot more for me and learn to trust his best interest for me and his ability to provide - otherwise there will always be something holding me back.

Divided

Isn't it hard when sometimes you feel like you are split in a million different directions? You are a caring and passionate person (or you would like to think you are) and you hear about all sorts of issues but your heart struggles knowing which ones to invest in.

Poverty
Sexual Exploitation and Trafficking
Immigration
The Church
Ecology
Education
Medical Ethics
War
Child Soldiers
Slave Labor
HIV/AIDS
Equality
Homeless
Violence
Crime
Housing
Hunger
Terrorism
I could go on and on....

We all have areas that we feel passionate about and called to - but we also see that many of these areas overlap.
So how do you decide? How do you look at the many needs in our communities and the world and not get overwhelmed?

I am deeply passionate about the issue of sexual exploitation and trafficking. But even within the sector you have many areas in which to get involved. Do you want to work with men or women? Do you want to work with women or children?
Let's say I work with children:
Do I work with the prevention: working on legislation, boarder control, etc.
Do I work with the rescue: brothel raids, relationship building, etc.
Do I work with the rehabilitation: psychological care, relationship building, etc.

There are so many avenues you can work with how do you decide? I am so torn. My heart breaks when I hear about what is being done to children around the world and across the United States - but I feel powerless to do anything about it. There is so much work to be done, but how am I qualified to do anything about it?

But despite all of that we must do something. Even though there is an overwhelming amount to be done and we don't know our place in it all - we know that God has called us to minister to the alien the orphan and the widow. What you do the least of these you do to me - Christ said. Even if it takes everything within me - I will do whatever I can to see God's Kingdom brought to earth. I don't know when, and I don't know how - I can only hope God chooses to use me to bring peace and comfort to those suffering.

Airports

Airports are an interesting thing. What once used to be such a happy place filled with laughter, screams of excitement and a sense of adventure has tuned into a dull, serious and very rigid activity. One of my favorite movies is Love Actually. I am fascinated by their view on love and the ability to find it almost anywhere. One of those places, if you remember, was the arrivals gate at the airport. I do remember past happy times at the arrival gate. But now, there is no greeting. There is no sound of laughing and joyful screams as I get off the plane – signifying that I am home. I have to walk through the airport, wait for a grab my luggage, and then walk to the curb. When I get out there whoever has come to pick me up cannot even get out of the car because they will get a ticket if they sit on the curb too long. They pop the trunk and I throw my junk in. Then I get into the car, get a quick squeeze around the shoulder “welcome home” and that’s it. All that time away, all that flying, and the climax is so uneventful.
I am not saying anything can or will (or even should) change, I understand the importance of heightened security – I’m just saying it has been sad to watch the change. Coming home isn’t what it used to be.

Kids

Children are God’s finest creation, I believe. When we grow up I don’t quite understand what happens. We loose the wonder, the adventure and the innocence you see in so many children. Sure, children can a lot of times be little runts that drive you crazy and seem to never listen to a word you say – but have you ever been with a child in a new situation. What we take for granted and see as mundane, a child sees as a chance to explore and sit in wonder.
I have been flying a lot lately and have been able to see many children in situations new for them. Two children still in the ticketing counter area discovered an escalator for the first time. Nothing new, still the same steps moving as always, but these children saw the wonder. They were FILLED with questions. As the first little boy approached you could see the wheels turning in his head. He wanted to go down them and explore them with a closer view – but his mom would not let him. And so he stood obediently at the side just starring at the moving contraption.
His sister joins him, she’s a couple years older, and she begins to ask questions. Where does it go? What is it for? What does that big red button on the side do? Grandma was patient in answering all her questions.
Then it was fun to see them stand before it – wishing to go down and take a ride – but falling into obedience of their mother. Older sister would periodically put her hand out to be sure her brother did not cross the line and get into danger.
I guess escalators just aren’t that exciting to me – but it is always a gift to be able to see them with fresh eyes. MOVING STAIRS…seriously, that’s a strange thing. But I allow the mundane of life to sweep over me. I want to see the adventure.

I Blew It...again

I hate being dissapointed in myself.
Why do those experiences have to happen to us?
Why do we have to fail and make mistakes and...make asses of ourselves?
Perhaps God desires to keep us humble?
Why does he want to humble me so often?
What I hate most is when my teachable moments effect other people.
It would be one thing if I did a bone-headed thing but really I was the only one it effected, it is another thing with other lives are involved, altered, and changed because of the mistakes I make.
And no matter how many times you say sorry - it never feels like it is enough.

Alone in a Crowd

What makes some experiences so difficult?
Why can we be surrounded by so many people that we have relationships with yet feel so alone?
I was at a party with a group of people and I could not help but observe the many masks individuals were wearing. We all simply strive to make others like us and do what we can to succeed in a dog eat dog world.
I can't help but think of Christ's consistency. There was must conflict that arose within and around his life but that did not alter the way he lived his life. Although he was constantly and closely watched, he did what he knew was right and what fit what was in his heart to do. Perhaps it was because he knew the truth - knew that what happened here on earth ultimately did not matter.
But shouldn't that be the same for us who profess ourselves to be Christian? Don't we claim to have the truth. Claim that this world is only but a brief stop before our eternity in Heaven? Why then do we consume ourselves with success and the favor of others. If we know that these will not last why do they rate so highly in our priorities?
Perhaps we don't really believe that truth.