A Tribute to Bonnie Lou

Mother’s Day was yesterday, so we’re all over it, right? Well, not me. So you’re going to have to sit through another sappy Mother’s Day post.

You know that moment, when you’re sitting in therapy, and you realize that you’re EXACTLY LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

That happened for me about a month ago.

And it took me by surprise because everyone tells me (and I mean EVERYONE) how much I am like my father. We look alike. Have a similar sense of humor.  I preach like him (when I preach, which is not very often). Love all the same sports teams, are addicted to coffee….the list could go on and on!

And I have always been proud of that. Because my dad is one of the coolest guys you’ll ever meet. I am sure there will be more on him at a later point in time. But he’s the speaker – the out in front man – the one everyone knows about. My mom is the sneaky behind the scenes woman. The strong, independent, hilarious badass that too many tend to underestimate. And it’s not their fault – they don’t get a chance to see all her intricate layers.

I often get asked why I am not married yet. And for a while I wondered the same thing. But then I realized it was because of my mother! (hang with me, it’ll all make sense!) Growing up, my dad was gone an average of 15 days a month traveling and speaking. My mom was a part-time single parent, and I never ever heard her complain. She is the strongest person I know, so independent and fierce. Looking back, I have no idea HOW she did it. But watching and observing her – I think that fierce independence and belief that I could do anything ingrained itself in me.

I’d love to find a loving man like my father some day. But I also grew up knowing that I could do it on my own. Knowing that I had a role model of what it meant to be strong, independent, loving, patient, dedicated and passionate. To this day I don’t think my mom gives herself enough credit for how amazing she is. For HOW MUCH she did and continues to do.

For all the cheerleading uniforms and accessories she made. For all the musicals she did the costumes and make-up for. For all the sports games she attended. For all the music lessons she pushed us to not drop and keep practicing for. For all the church events she drove us back and forth from. For all the school field trips she attended and chaperoned. For all the homework assignments she worked diligently for hours with us on. For all the meals she prepared. For all the bags she packed for overnight trips and overseas trips. For all the tents she slept in summer after summer with four kids to keep track of and try to keep cool in the middle of a hayfield. For all the weekends dad was gone and she had to wrangle four kids all on her own. For never being in any pictures because she’s always taking them all. For celebrating every holiday with special meals and gifts and treats. For all the teenagers she took into her home over the years so dad could counsel them and they could have a strong example of two loving parents. For packing up a car and driving across country to help kids move – or flying overseas to help kids move home. For painting houses and moving furniture. For sleeping over to help take care of newborn babies so new mamas can sleep.

For the calm conversations she had with her growing and exploring daughter expanding and pushing her bounds of theology and justice. For her patience when that daughter got tattoos and piercings. And then her fierce prayers when that daughter took to the streets of LA in the middle of the night each week in pursuit of those passions and her call to justice.

I love you mom. And I love that I turned out just like you. Thanks for teaching me how to be fierce and take the world by storm. Your love compels me to try and love others with the grace of God.

Happy Mothers Day! How are you like your mother in unexpected ways?

Why I Tell Myself I Don't Want Kids - My Messy Beautiful

If I tell myself enough times, maybe I’ll start to believe it. That’s been a life theme of mine. And this has come out in many different story threads throughout my life, but most recently, it’s come through conversations of babies. If I tell myself enough times that I don’t want to have kids, then maybe I’ll start to believe it.

I have endometriosis. It’s not a big deal, really. At least not yet. Endometriosis is a female health disorder that occurs when cells from the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other areas of the body. This can lead to pain, irregular bleeding, and infertility.

I can manage it well enough. That pain is, at times, unbearable. But through many many MANY visits to the doctor I have found ways to get it under control and live a relatively normal life (most of the time!). And when I can’t – it’s a great excuse to stay home and watch Netflix!

The part I struggle with are those last two words. …and infertility.

I am 30 and single and not sexually active. So there is really no way at this point for me to know if that part of endometriosis will affect me. I might be able to have 12 perfectly healthy, energetic, bounce-off-the-walls kids. But I also might not be able to have any.

And so I have decided I don’t want kids.

None.

I tell people I have no desire to ever have kids. I don’t even want to try. I’m just not cut out for it. I need too much sleep! I love that my time is my own. I have so much I feel called to accomplish in the world, and I don’t know how I could do it while adequately taking care of a child in the way they deserve. I love a clean house. I’m too selfish. I hate the Disney channel!

Mostly I’ve come to believe that’s true (well, some of it IS true, I really don’t like the Disney channel!). I think I’ve convinced myself. And on my good days I feel just fine with that decision. But when I’m cuddling with my niece, Rosaleah, or on my lonely, self-reflective days, I wonder if that’s just the excuse I give to self-protect against the “what if”.

What if I am infertile? It is just easier to say I don’t want to have kids than to go through the heartbreak of getting my hopes up, trying, and then being disappointed.

But we can’t protect ourselves from heartache. We can’t protect ourselves from all the what if’s in life. Brené Brown talks about the power of vulnerability – and our societies inclination to numb. But the problem is you can’t numb sadness (or fear, or doubt) without numbing joy! You can’t avoid the hard parts of life without also avoiding the most joyful parts. Joy inevitably brings pain – but pain also brings joy. The light is so much brighter in the midst of darkness.

So, maybe I am infertile – but maybe I’m not. Maybe I will want to have kids, maybe I won’t. The point is, I don’t have to decide right now. I don’t have to make a decision based out of fear to protect myself from a possible heartache in the future.

And neither do you. Whatever you’re trying to convince yourself of, don’t forget to live today. And choose whatever makes you happy, even if that happiness might break your heart tomorrow.

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To read more, CLICK HERE! 

On Being Bi-vocational

I am a bi-vocational ministry leader, and I’m not alone. There are many people in my generation that want to do life changing sustainable things for the world around them. They want their work to be meaningful, but often times that doesn’t come with a large paycheck that’ll cover the rent and utilities and put food on the table. So we have to ask ourselves: do you sacrifice that call and desire to find meaningful work that feeds your passions to see change in the world? Or do you sacrifice a sustainable income that’ll provide for your needs and the needs of your family?

The third way I see emerging in more and more situations as a response to this tension is being bi-vocational. This is not new. People have been bi-vocational for decades, but this term has given new language and validity to what has become a more popular trend in recent years. Being bi-vocational allows you to be invested in those areas you want to while still putting food on the table. Finding “one of those boring desk jobs,” as a friend so lovingly called it, which will ultimately give you the resources and opportunities to do what you really love and feel called to. More and more people in my generation have found bi-vocational the answer to meeting their calling, the deep needs of the world and their own physical needs.

I am thankful that my “desk job” is actually something I really love. And it serves a lot of people, engages in ministry and in people’s lives as well as provides education and resources to ministry leaders around the world. But, it is not my number one heart passion. I love it, and I am thankful for it – but mostly thankful that it provides me an enjoyable and sustainable way to pour into the call God has placed on my life.

My other job is working for an organization called After Hours – a street outreach to men and women who are prostituted. I am thankful to have a paid job that is so flexible that I can get away when I need to go be present with a prostituted woman that is hurting and suffering and needs help and accountability and a listening ear.

When I tell people I work at After Hours they typically ask me “do you get paid?” (Which is a somewhat odd question in the first place) and when I answer no, their response is typically something like, “oh, so really you just volunteer.” For some reason the lack of a paycheck makes people think it is a less valid call to ministry.

I see some real advantages to being bi-vocational:

1. You have more resources that can be poured back into the ministry and the people you are serving.
2. More laypersons (by necessity) become involved in the ministry, making it stronger because your talents, resources and passions are expanded.
3. You find more balance in your life – being able to step away from the darkness of sex trafficking into the world of academia is a nice shift.
4. You are in contact with many more people allowing for diverse conversations, networking and ministry opportunities.
5. It frees you up to see ministry as more of a lifestyle than a vocation. We are all called to be ambassadors of Christ wherever we find ourselves.

It has been a struggle for me this past year to not let these comments invalidate my identity and calling. I have at times questioned if the work I do is really valid or if I am “playing the advocate” trying to make myself sound more impressive or hardworking than I actually am. I know this stems from my own insecurities, but God has also been working on humbling me. It does not matter what others think about the validity of my work – it only matters that I am faithful to my call and to the God that called me. It only matters that the women of Los Angeles (and around the world) are being ministered to, resourced and loved.

Don’t let money or having-to-have-it-to-be-a-real-ministry stand in your way. You can get one of those “dumb desk jobs” to pay the bills. That can be a means to an end. Find out what you REALLY want to do – and then find a way to do it. But follow the call God has placed on your life – and don’t let anyone tell you you’re not really doing it just because you are not getting paid.

- This post first appeared on The Salt Collective

thankful

i am overwhelmed. and overjoyed. and awe-struck.

God is so good. so so very good.

it is impossible for me to describe how much i love what i do. what god has called me to do. the redemption and grace god allows me to be part of.

this week we’ve worked with a family from the midwest that lost track of their daughter. they were fearful that she had perhaps been trafficked. we networked with lots of other ministries and police departments and eventually FOUND HER!

today we were able to reunite her with her dad and she is on her way home.

sometimes you are able to see God’s grace and mercy in such a tangible way it overwhelms you physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. and that’s what happened today. i can’t BELIEVE that God allows me to be part of bringing reconciliation and restoration to someone he loves SO much.

i wish i could share more of the story with you – more of the unbelievable and impossible details. but the most important details remains that God is good. and God is gracious. and God never ceases to amaze me – that just when i think the burden to rescue someone lays on me alone – God puts me in my place by letting me know that only he alone could orchestrate something so amazing.

i am thankful for the body of Christ that works together in times of stress and need. i am thankful for Jen Cecil who is the most supportive person in the world – and keeps me calm and collected and focused in the midst of high stress situations. and i am thankful that God is bigger than me and bigger than the lost daughter who has now come home.

Simply...Love

I have been reading the book of John lately. And something struck me about the commands of Jesus, about the instructions he left his disciples with.

In several places, Jesus referred to the "commandments" which we can assume are the commandments given to Moses. Those who came in contact with him were told that it was good, and even necessary for eternal life, to keep the commandments. Jesus also did much of his teachings through parables and stories, and we can agree that commandments came out of those - although not explicitly stated as commands, they were lessons that the disciples were to take to heart and teach to others.

But what I find fascinating is that the only command Jesus gave, spoke, or deemed necessary to repeat and be explicit about in the book of John was the command to love one another. That's it.

John 13:34: A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

John 15:12: My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

John 15:17: This is my command: Love each other.

Those times that Jesus explicitly said, "this is my command" were the times he simply said, "love one another."

Often, thinking about being a disciple of Christ can be overwhelming. So many commandments. So many rules. Are you supposed to agree with the conservatives or the liberals? Are you supposed to think charismatics are weird or really tapping into the power of the Spirit? Are you supposed to bad mouth the Westboro Baptists (you know, so people don’t associate YOU with them) or pray for them?

With so many varying opinions about what it means to truly be a “Christian,” it is difficult to discern what actions you should take and beliefs you should have to be the “right” kind of Christ-follower. But when you step back and look at the big picture, being a disciple of Christ does not seem as overwhelming or unattainable. Maybe that is because I have made it too simple, but I don’t think so. When broken down to its most basic level, the call to discipleship involves one major thing. As Jesus taught his followers,  “by this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” There is no greater mark by which others will know that you are a follower of Christ than by how you love those around you. Christ is seen in how you love and treat those you come in contact with on a daily basis.

It matters less what one does or how they do it, what matter most is living life as an act of worship to God, a love letter from Him to those you find yourself surrounded by. With this in mind, discipleship becomes much more accessible –something everyone can do no matter where they find themselves in the journey of life and faith. We are not all called to one specific form of Christianity, but we are all called to love. And we can follow the example of Jesus as we learn what it looks like to love others and have God’s heart for his Church and his people.

I know we all feel strongly about causes we want to champion. We have strong opinions about homosexuality, abortion, Obama, gun laws, immigration, terrorism, war, unemployment, environmental laws, and the list could go on and on. Those logs in other people’s eyes we want to remove. Sins we see that we feel called to confront. And, perhaps, all of that can be forms of love. But we have to ask ourselves where our motivation comes from.

God can and will bring change through us. Every act we take on behalf of God in a call to discipleship is a call to bring humanity closer to reconciliation with God. No amount of eloquent rhetoric regarding stances on abortion, just war, gay marriage or racism will achieve this, only love will. Christianity is not a stance or a position, it is an action, a call to love and a charge to consider the other more important than yourself. It is a call to see the divine in them, believe in their potential and fight on their behalf to bring reconciliation with an all-loving God.

This post first appeared on The Salt Collective