The thing I keep coming back to is a song. I think music, and art in general, is so powerful for helping you express yourself. The song is "They Weren't There" by Missy Higgins. If I could figure out away to put the song up here for you to listen to, I would. I guess I'll only be able to put the lyrics up and you'll just have to believe me that it's worth a download on iTunes and go get yourself a copy.
You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind,
We'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him" but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong...
But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
So I couldn't say "no".
You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say,
I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know,
Just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I've drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong...
But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
But they weren't there beneath your stare,
And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...
So I couldn't say "no".
Now, I realize that this song was probably written about a boy, but like every good Christian, I have easily applied it to the Lord.
I think it's the chorus that I found resonated so strongly to my seminary experience. I came in so wide-eyed and excited to further study theology. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on things, I was a pretty passionate person. But then it was as if everything I had ever known was ripped right out from under me. I was stripped til I was bare and every pre-conceived idea I ever had blown away. I'm still a passionate person, just not in the same ways - and I've developed a pessimism about things that seems so comfortable yet so foreign.
I am now left standing in this nameless void. I no longer hear or see anything. I know it'll all make sense again one day - but until then, I sit in a place of wondering, and hoping. You see, hope is a double-edged sword. It's hard to stay on the positive side of hope, the one that gets you up in the morning and keeps you pressing on - but I am determined to stay there. I know that this journey is leading somewhere - somewhere great, in fact - I think it's just going to take a little while longer before I figure out how.
